This was a walmart gift card scammer. You know the ones, you send them a buck or two (via credit card) for “shipping” and they give you a shiny, new $100 giftcard to the mart of walls. So this is what I said.
"Ok, here's my counter offer. I just had an authentic kobe steak. I could come over to where you're at and shit in your mouth. That's gotta be worth way more than two dollars."
Naturally, he hung up. So I called back 10 minutes later.
"Hi. It's me. I'm calling to apologize. What I said before was rude and insensitive. It slipped my mind that beef may not be a dietary option for you for cultural or religious reasons so how about I shit some beluga caviar in your mouth instead?"
Surprised he didn't hang up before I got to the punchline.